Aww, that sounds horrible to be honest! Definitely don't give up though. Have you tried alternative methods of treatment as opposed to hospitilisation etc?
My friend was in in-patient treatment for a few months for anorexia, and had counselling both before and during this time, but although she gained weight and seemed healthier after it, she relapsed almost straight away, after getting out of hospital. She then was constantly being watched by school teachers and friends, as well as family, but that just led her to further her eating disorder in secret because she hated being watched, and she therefore became bulimic. In-patient treatment and counselling just didn't work for her, and maybe you might be similar?
She was referred to a local eating disorder group where she attended meetings about things like confidence and self-esteem, and took part in activites like sports and games with the other ed sufferers; this method really worked for her and she has now recovered fully. She said it was because she wasn't treated like a patient and the group leaders didn't lecture them or anything, and they weren't forced into eating more or anything like that- she said it felt more like just hanging out with friends, and it helped her to talk to people in similar situations. Watching the other people around her start to recover also motivated her. During her time in in-patient, she found the hospital atmosphere quite depressing, and the other ed patients in her ward were getting worse at the time- she was constantly surrounded by people on the verge of death as a result of their eating disorders. However, she found the atmosphere at the group meetings really encouraging. Basically, the group encouraged her to really sort out the issues that were causing her to have an eating disorder in the first place, and the physical part of the recovery sort of fell into place itself after that. Is there anything similar in your area that you could maybe join?
Keep trying to get better- as you said yourself, it's a vicious cycle, and the only way to get out of it is to give recovery your full attention for a while. Even though you may get pleasure from losing weight, bulimia is a mental illness- no matter how much weight you lose, you're never going to be truly satisfied with your body image until you recover from your bulimia. Just keep striving to recover- you've already recovered from a serious illness at a young age, so that shows that you do have a lot of strength. As intimidating as it may seem at the time, recovery is possible, but perhaps more importantly than that, it's necessary. You do really need to break out of that cycle so you can live the rest of your life freely without being trapped within yourself
All the best :) x
Thanks for sharing your story! where are you from?