9 years of bulimia....ready to move on!
I am a 22 year old Army veteran. I am still currently active duty and serving as a combat medic. I have been battling bulimia since I was 13, roughly 9 years. I have been hospitalized once when I was 15, but I never fully gained control of my eating disorder. Beside my eating disorder I am a driven and warm individual. I have always been a huge geek and love to study and learn. Although my dream is to be a nurse practitioner, I aspire to be a mother beyond all. I have been dating a man for nearly two years and I am fonder of him than my eating disorder. I know that is weird to say, but my eating disorder has been with me for nearly a decade. But I am ready to part with it and begin a truly healthy life with this man of mine. I'm an outdoors kind of woman and love soaking up the sun. I'm no stranger to pushing my body; I have participated in marathons and love to see how much my body can handle. Having grown up in Kansas, I swear never to return! I'm looking for adventure and can't wait to start my life outside the military.
Bulimia consuming me!
I've been binging and purging for the past 6 years of my life. It's consumed my life completely. I waste money on it every day. I stopped hanging out with my friends so that I can stay home and binge/purge. I stuff myself until my stomach feel like it's going to explode and I think I gave myself an ulcer :( when I exercise I sometimes vomit blood. The enamel on my front teeth is eroded and clear - they used to be beautiful. Now I never get one complement on them. Yes, I’ve even filed them down to make them even again and guess what? I still binge/purge. I even changed jobs so that I can spend more time alone.
I get parotid swelling, constipation, muscle cramps (from the electrolyte imbalance), memory loss, insomnia, dysmenorrhoea, anaemia, pre diabetes, physically tired ... what else do I have to get before I stop? I’ve tried to self medicate - diet pills during the day and sedatives at night so I can knock myself out and stop binging and purging. It's an endless rat wheel I’m trapped in. I’m tired of running to find food and deliberating what I should eat. But oddly, I find pleasure in the delicious food I'm eating, and then I have to rid myself of it. I am sad, depressed and ashamed to ask for help. I don’t do it to make myself skinny – I am already skinny. I don’t know why I do it! I want to stop and I know I can’t do it! Every day I promise myself that it's my last ... and of course it's not. I've lost myself, hate myself and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel :(
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Poor you :( you need to get help and that won't start until you let someone else help you! Just tell a friend. You don't have to tell them all at once but try to let someone who you think you can trust who will understand what is going on. Say "I can't stop making myself sick... will you help me" get a friend to take you to the doctor, it is so much less scary when you aren't alone. If you are having trouble telling someone, you could tell them on msn? By email? This one sounds bad but works for me... I just wait till I'm with a friend and we are drunk at a party or something to tell them. It would be very hard to help yourself... try calling/ emailing a helpline? Just ask them what to do. There are many eating disorder helplines you can use. I'm sorry I'm not much help but I know saying "stop doing it" won't help at all, you just need support.